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Hello, Every one need a good
laugh. Please do not read if you think you can be offended. All
those jokes are from one of my Skydiver friend and family.
Subject:
IL Y A UN ANGE GARDIEN QUI RODE AUTOUR DE TOI...
Une pensée pour une personne spéciale : TOI
Continue à lire jusqu'à la fin de la page, n'arrête pas
avant la fin de cette histoire et tu
comprendras la nécessité d'avoir un ange à tes
côtés...
Deux anges arrêtrent pour passer la nuit dans
la maison d'une famille aisée.
La famille était méchante et refusa que les anges demeurent
dans la chambre d'amis de la maison. A la
place, ils
laissèrent les anges dormir dans
une petite pièce située dans le sous-sol froid.
Durant qu'ils faisaient leur lit sur le sol dur,
le plus âgé des anges aperçut un trou dans
le mur et le répara. Quand le plus jeune des anges
demanda "pourquoi?" Le plus âgé des
anges répliqua : "Les
choses ne sont pas toujours
ce qu'elles paraissent".
La nuit suivante, les deux anges arrivèrent pour se reposer
dans une maison ou les gens étaient
vraiment pauvres, mais ou le fermier et sa
femme étaient très hospitaliers.
Après avoir partagé le peu de nourriture qu'ils avaient,
le couple laissa les anges dormir dans leur lit
pour qu'ils aient une bonne nuit de sommeil.
Lorsque le soleil se leva le lendemain matin, les anges
trouvèrent le fermier et sa femme en
larme. Leur unique vache, de laquelle le lait
était une bénédiction, gisait morte sur le
sol.
Le plus jeune des anges était furieux et demanda au plus
âgé des anges comment il avait pu laisser
faire cela?
"La première famille avait tout et tu l'as aidée en réparant
un trou dans leur mur au sous- sol",
accusa l'ange. "La deuxième famille avait
peu, mais était disposée à tout partager et
tu as laissé sa
vache ."
"Les choses ne sont pas toujours comme
elles paraissent",
répliqua le plus âgé des
anges. "Quand nous sommes restés dans le sous-sol
de la maison de la
première famille, je me suis aperçu qu'il y
avait de l'or rangé dans le trou
du mur au sous-sol."
"Etant donné que le propriétaire était tellement rempli
de haine et qu'il ne voulait pas partager sa
fortune, j'ai bouché le trou afin qu'il ne retrouve
plus cet or."
"Et, la nuit dernière, lorsque nous étions endormis dans
la chambre du fermier, l'ange de la mort venait
chercher la femme du fermier. J'ai négocié
avec lui et je lui ai donné l'unique vache du
fermier à la place.
"Les choses ne sont pas toujours ce qu'elles paraissent."
Quelques fois, c'est exactement ce qui arrive
lorsque les choses ne tournent pas de la façon
dont on voudrait qu'elles tournent.
Si vous avez la foi, vous n'avez qu'à croire que chaque
mauvaise tournure des choses est à
votre avantage. Il se peut que vous ne vous en
rendiez pas compte au début, jusqu'au jour où
vous vous
apercevrez qu'elles étaient effectivement
à votre avantage. Une personne arrive dans ta
vie et
rapidement, elle s'en va. Une autre personne
devient ton ami en te laissant de
belles empreintes sur ton coeur et tu n'es plus jamais
le même ou la même, car tu t'es fait un
nouvel ami ou une nouvelle
amie!
Hier est de l'histoire ancienne. Demain est un mystère.
Aujourd'hui est un cadeau. Et c'est pourquoi,
on l'appelle le présent!
Je crois que c'est spécial de vivre et de
savourer chaque moment.
Si tu as reçu ce message, c'est qu'il y a un un
ange qui veille sur toi.
CE MESSAGE EST UNE SORTE D'ANGE GARDIEN
SPECIAL. TU DOIS PASSER CE MESSAGE A 5 PERSONNES A L'INTERIEUR
DE L'HEURE A LAQUELLE TU L'AS
RECU APRES AVOIR FAIT UN VOEU. SI TU LE PASSES, TON VOEU SERA EXAUCE ET UN
ANGE GARDIEN VEILLERA SUR TOI A JAMAIS SINON SES LARMES VONT COULER ET
AUCUN VOEU NE SERA EXAUCE.
Maintenant, n'efface pas ce message, car il vient d'un
ange gardien vraiment spécial qui ne demande
qu'à devenir ton ami. Maintenant grâce
a cet ange gardien :
quelqu'un est vraiment fier de toi.
quelqu'un pense à toi.
quelqu'un s'inquiète de toi.
tu manques à quelqu'un.
quelqu'un veut te parler.
quelqu'un veut être avec toi.
quelqu'un souhaite que tu ne sois pas dans le trouble.
quelqu'un est content du soutien que tu lui apportes.
quelqu'un veut te tenir la main.
quelqu'un espère que tout va bien aller.
quelqu'un veut que tu sois heureux ou heureuse.
quelqu'un veut que tu le/la trouves.
quelqu'un veut célébrer ton succès.
quelqu'un veut te donner un cadeau.
quelqu'un pense que TU es un cadeau.
quelqu'un t'aime.
quelqu'un admire ta force.
quelqu'un pense à toi et il sourit.
quelqu'un veut être l'épaule sur laquelle tu
vas pleurer.
TON ANGE GARDIEN A MAINTENANT BESOIN DE TOI POUR ENVOYER CE MESSAGE ET
FAIRE PLAISIR A D'AUTRES! PENSES-Y
!!!.
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A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him.
As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer." He turns to the ostrich
and asks, "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer,
too," says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40
please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for
payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man says,
"I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have
the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays
with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch,"
says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20," says the bartender. Once again, the
man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse
me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of
your pocket every time?" the bartender asks.
"Well," says the man. "Several years ago I was
cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie
appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount
of money will always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender, "Most people would
wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as
you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the
ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long
legs." |
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get
photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to
get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a
plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by
his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was
warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and
yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the
plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer,
"and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great
exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said,
"You mean you're not the instructor?" |
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are
talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the
third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your
wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife
came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they
asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered,
"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a
man.'" |
Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge
and
is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother
enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You
can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go
outside and play."
Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do
you want to play?"
"I wanna play 'Mommy and Daddy,'" Little Johnny whines in reply.
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she
says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if
you're taking a nap."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes
upstairs. Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the
hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old
fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette
butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it
in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to
the bedroom doorway. His mother raises her head and asks, "What
do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs
and get that kid some ice cream!" |
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian
couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if
Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they
make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?"
asks Maureen. The Martian responds,
"Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a
teeny, weenie
member--about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work,"
says
Maureen.
"Why?" he asks,
"What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies,
"It's just not long enough to reach
me!"
"No problem," he says, and
proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his
forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says,
"That's quite impressive, but it
is still narrow."
"No problem," he says, and starts
pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider
until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell
into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples
rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk
along, Mike asks
"Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen,
"but it was pretty wonderful.
"How about you?"
"It was horrible," he
replies,
"all I got was a headache. . . she kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears." |
A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the
English
Channel Breast Stroke Competition.
The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there
was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by
causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing
hope, the blonde finally arrived.
The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They
embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the
excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered,
"I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used
their arms." |
Moses, Jesus, and an older, bearded man were out playing
golf
one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in
the fairway but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly,
Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the
other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one,
directly toward the same water hazard. It landed directly in
the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water.
Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto
the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball.
It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a
nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree.
>From there it bounced onto the roof of a nearby shack and
rolled down into the gutter, down the down spout, out onto
the fairway, and right toward the aforementioned pond.
On the way to the pond, it hit a little stone and bounced
out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.
Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and
snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped
down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over
the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball,
which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole-in-one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your
Dad." |
An American soldier, serving in World War II,
had just returned from
several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He had
finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southhampton,
England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London. The
train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the
train, looking for an empty seat.
The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well dressed
middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary
soldier asked,
"Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and
said,
"You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you
see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again
facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat.
Again he asked,
"Please, lady. Can I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted,
"You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant.
Imagine!"
The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked
if he could please sit down.
The lady said,
"Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very
inconsiderate."
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little
dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty
seat.
An English gentleman, sitting across the aisle said,
"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing
the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive
your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've
thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!" |
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into
the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from
the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that
to
bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a
compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long,
he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.
"I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender
said.
"My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say
he's as good as they get."
Six months later, the man was back.
"Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a
glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the
psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine,
then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel.
"The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he
sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of
good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender
exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me
anymore." |
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned
that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ
because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted
to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real.
He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I
know!
He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long
seconds.
Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well . . . every morning, my father gets up,
bangs
on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in
there?!" |
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